Meet the Jorgen family

"Hello? Hellooooooooo?" Ralph crooned in the camcorder he was pointing at himself. "Hi, I'm Ralph Jorgen and- Shoot, it's not on. Hi, I'm Ralph Jorgen!!" He smiled broadly and twirled the camcorder upside down.
"Do I WANT to know what you're doing?" asked his 17-year-old grandson Severin as he walked into the room.



"I'm making a documentary!" Ralph chirped proudly, waving the camcorder, which was still focused on his face. He turned it around to point at Severin.
"Oh, no, grandpa, I'm in my pajamas!!"
"So am I. Just tell us your name and your life goal."
"My life goal?" Severin repeated incredulously.
"Here, I'll give an example." Ralph swung the camera around again. "Hi, I'm Ralph Jorgen, and when I grow up, I want to have 20 best friends! Now it's your turn."
"Aren't you already grown up?" Severin was stalling for time. His grandpa ignored the question. "All right, fine. I'm Severin Jorgen, and when I grow up, I want to...get married and reach my golden anniversary."
"You sound so ashamed. That's a wonderful goal." Severin stared at him and Ralph said no more.



Betsy Jorgen walked into the room, saw Ralph with the camera, and ran for the bathroom. Before she reached the door, however...
"Sis!" Ralph yelled joyfully. "It's your turn!"
"My turn to what?" Betsy inquired.
"He's making a 'documentary'," Severin explained to his great-aunt. "You have to tell him your name and your life goal."
"What...? That's private. And, Ralph, you don't know how to make a documentary!"
"It's going to be for the kids. You know, when you and I pass on, the grandkids will watch this movie and remember how much they love us."
"Actually, it would be 'loved', past tense," Betsy corrected.
"Yeah, and I don't think we'll need camcorders that far in the future. We'll have moved on by then," Severin added.
"Just tell us your life goal!" Ralph grumbled, advancing on Betsy. Betsy sighed.
"I'm Betsy Jorgen, Ralph's sister, and Severin's great-aunt-"
"No one cares!" Ralph snapped. "Just get to the good stuff!" Betsy shot him a nasty look.
"As I was SAYING, my life goal is to become a criminal mastermind." Ralph snorted.
"Psh. That'll never happen."
"You said it all wrong. You're supposed to say, 'When I grow up, I want to-'" He was cut off by a violent slap from Betsy. Ralph, ignoring that obscene act of child abuse, looked around the room for another person to interrogate.
"Say, where's Jeannie?"
"Outside," Severin sniffed, rubbing his sore cheek.



Ralph trotted out the front door and found his wife staring at the mailbox.
"Honey? What are you doing?" Jeannie jumped, like he'd woken her up.
"Sorry. Just making sure there were no coons in the mailbox."
"Honey...we live in the suburbs. We just moved here. The garbage man comes every day to pick up our junk and, besides that, we're so poor, it's not as though we have much to PUT in the garbage can each day."
"You're right, you're right." Jeannie peered suspiciously at the camcorder in his hands. "And that is...?"
"I'm making a documentary," Ralph said proudly. "And you need to tell me your name and life goal."
"Why?"
"Don't make me explain it again!!!"
"O-okay," Jeannie stuttered, surprised by this sudden outburst. "Let me see..." She paused. "What IS my name?" Ralph clapped a hand to his forehead.
"You've GOT to be kidding me! Your name is...is..."
"Ha, you forgot, too!"
"No, I didn't! Your name is Jenny Jorgen."
"Jeannie Jorgen," Jeannie corrected.
"That's what I said." Then, to ward off an argument, he added, "Now hurry up, won't you? The battery's dying."
"Who peed in your cornflakes?" Jeannie muttered, but started speaking anyway. "Hello, my name is Jeannie Jorgen. I've been married to Ralph Jorgen for 50 passable years-" This received a sharp glare from Ralph. "I mean, WONDERFUL years, and my life goal is to become the mayor." She beamed, then looked slightly deflated. "But I know that won't happen." Ralph grunted.
"Good enough." Ignoring his wife's secret pain, he ran off to find the last two important members of the family.



Tessa and Bex were playing Cops and Robbers when Ralph found them. They'd obviously been playing for a while; Tessa was shooting at her cousin rather half-heartedly, and Bex's braids were limp with sweat.
"Girls! Grampa's got a new toy!" The girls perked up immediately, but their faces fell when they saw it was a camcorder, not a dollhouse.
"Hi, Grampa," they intoned glumly. Ralph was the kind of man who saw frowns as upside down smiles (or perhaps he just couldn't read body language).
"I'm making a video about the family. What I need you guys to do is tell me ALL about yourselves." Tessa perked up a little bit. She liked talking about herself.
"Who will go first?" Bex asked her cousin. Tessa considered this.
"Both of us. At the same time." Bex seemed fine with this.
"Hi, I'm Tessa-"
"And I'm Bex-"
"I'm 10-"
"And I'm 11-"
"And we're cousins!" They both said this last part.
"All right, that's a wrap," Ralph said, and went to turn off the camera. His triumphant smile was soon replaced by a look of horror.
"When can we watch the movie, Grandpa?" Tessa asked.
"Too bad we don't have a TV," Severin answered sarcastically, coming up the stairs.
"We do have bagels!" Betsy called from downstairs.
"Yeah, and olive oil spread!" Jeannie added.
"There'll be no need for that," Ralph croaked, his face very white.
"Why's that, Grandpa?" Severin asked, very confused.
"All that stuff I had you say was for nothing. I forgot to press record!"